Coping with parental divorce as a child differs from dealing with it as an adult. As an adult, you have a much more complex understanding of the nature and dynamic of marital relationships. Therefore, it may take a while to come to terms with the reality of parental divorce, and you may need lots of professional assistance along the way.
It can be difficult to cope with the breakdown of your parents’ relationship, despite divorce being so common. In Florida in 2020, rates dropped to 3 divorces per 1,000 compared to 3.9 in 2016. Arkansas led the country with 4 divorces per 1,000, while Illinois had 1.7 and Massachusetts at the low end with 1.4 per thousand.
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Join a Support Group
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There are plenty of support groups for adult children of divorced parents. Some of them are in person, but many are online. You can register for an online support group and connect with other adults who share the same experience. Mental health experts lead these groups, so rest assured that you will speak to someone who can help you navigate your emotions as you grapple with your parent’s divorce. The great thing about online support groups is that many are 24/7, so you should be able to fit sessions into your schedule even if you are a busy, working adult.
Talk To a Therapist
Therapists have the insight and training needed to aid you in processing your parent’s divorce. They can help you identify your feelings about the divorce and understand why you feel that way. Maybe you felt disappointed after the divorce because you had assumed that your parents would be together till death. It could be that your disappointment has made you hesitant about pursuing marriage in the future because you worry that a union will never work out despite your efforts. A therapist will assist you in analyzing all your emotions and provide tips concerning how you should view your relationship with your parents and how you can approach marriage in the future.
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Maintain Contact
You should do your best to maintain contact with both of your parents. As a result of the divorce, they will go through a pivotal and transformational period in their lives. Thus, they will likely benefit from your support. Try to speak with both of them regularly via phone, text, or video chat. You can schedule events with them, such as dinners, shopping outings, or sports shows.
If your parents split amicably, ask if you can meet with both of them together so that you can all remain on good terms with one another, and they can work together to meet your needs as their adult child. If the divorce was bitter and messy, you should see them separately. When visiting them individually, devote the same amount of attention to each one so that they will not assume you value one parent over the other.
Plan Holidays
Holidays are when families get together. Holiday logistics may become somewhat confusing after your parents’ divorce. Maybe you and your siblings are accustomed to going to your childhood home during the holiday season. If your parents completely divorce, they may have sold that home or decided that only one of them will live there, so you and your siblings can no longer meet with them in one place during the holidays. When you have parents who live in different locations, take turns spending the holiday with them. Spend the holiday with one parent in even-number years and the other parent in odd-number years. You can still call or chat with the parent you are not staying with and wish them happy holidays.
Better yet, make your home the hub for the holidays. When you take ownership of what makes you happy, your joy isn’t dependent on them making the season bright. Embrace your old traditions or start some new ones.
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Practice Self-Care
Confronting parental divorce can lead to lots of stress. Maintain a self-care routine as you cope with the divorce. Your self-care routine may consist of you:
- Meditating for an hour
- Walking for several blocks
- Writing about your emotions in a journal
- Soaking your body in your tub
- Grooming yourself
- Pampering your skin
- Eating nutrient-rich foods
You will alleviate the stress you feel as you attempt to make sense of the divorce if you practice self-care. The routines you engage in may also help you build resilience if the divorce leads to emotional wounding.
Give Your Parents Resources
Some parents know not to burden their children with emotions, but others do not. When you have a parent who constantly comes to you to vent about their divorce, and you find it draining, consider giving them mental health resources. You could refer them to a therapist. Their therapist could assist them in dissecting the causes and dynamics of the divorce so that they will not feel compelled to frequently turn to you. You may have a parent who wants to date again and whines about doing so to you. Show them all the secure, AI-driven dating applications they can use to find another partner.
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Establish Healthy Boundaries
One of the most toxic things divorced parents do is tell intimate details about their marriage to their minor or adult children. This sharing of private and personal matters is dangerous because it can negatively impact their children’s perception of each parent. Young or grown children do not need to know that their father engaged in multiple extramarital affairs or that their mother was withholding physical affection throughout the final stages of the marriage. Children should only be aware that the marriage did not work out in the end and support both parents as they settle on the best divorce agreement for them.
If you have parents who want to share intimate details about their marriage with you, firmly set boundaries with them. Tell them you do not want to hear those details and will walk away if they bring them up again.
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